Not to sound like a broken record but: my friend died. No, not that one; a different one. Pat. The person who in middle school introduced me to punk rock as a lifestyle. Who I was lucky enough to call my best friend from my late teens through early 20s, before I got too old and cool to have "best friends." A beautiful, gentle man whose absurd sense of humor and small, sweet gestures made our awful reality just a little bit better.
I wish the world had been better to him.
I feel a deep, wrenching regret that I didn't try to reach out to him for so many years, to make sure that he knew how much he and his friendship meant to me, how deep my love for him was.
We have to say what we mean while we still can.
I am exhausted by grief. I'm tired of feeling it, of witnessing it, and of talking about it. Tired of more and more songs being added to the pile of songs that I can't listen to unless I have an hour to recover. But most of all, I am tired of losing friends. It's an inevitability of life, but for fuck's sake, I'm 42. Why do I know so many dead people?
Pat loved as wide a variety of music as I did. He was the first friend of mine who liked Springsteen -- I didn't get on board until years later, but I do have fond memories of walking around Towson Town Center with him, laughing my ass off as he screamed the lyrics to "Born in the USA". We got into and obsessed over Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails together. Eventually, by way of Dystopia and Grief, we got into doom metal. He fucking loved Asunder. I remember his MySpace page used to autoplay "Twilight Amaranthine". Here's A Clarion Call.
After I found out, I was digging around in crates, looking for my old notebooks, in which he and I used to jot down stupid ideas for joke bands, made up languages, drew unflattering sketches of mutual friends, shit like that. Pretty sure I hadn't looked in them for over a decade. Inside the front cover of one, I found a small, folded piece of paper. On the outside, it says "To Tim, Love from Pat. Happy birthday." Unfolded, the inside just says "I love you." It fucking wrecked me, and it's wrecking me right now just thinking about it. I love you too, Pat.
