Suicidal Tendencies - Suicidal for Life (1994)

Plenty of people consider Suicidal for Life the worst Suicidal album. Which is fair. But first of all, those people are wrong because Still Cyco After All These Years exists. Second: it's not on streaming so it's my responsibility as a shitty blogger to keep it in digital circulation.

Third: I want to paint you a picture. Close your eyes. Wait, shit, you can't read like that. Open your eyes. Imagine it's the mid-90s, and you're a suburban kid in your early adolescence with pretty much the exact same taste in music as Beavis & Butthead, and you think "The Goat" is comedy's greatest achievement. Yesterday was your birthday and you got a nice little stack of CDs. You pop on the S.F.W. soundtrack, which you asked for because it features Marilyn Manson, Hole, and GWAR. Aside from the Pretty Mary Sunshine track, every track is hitting. But then, a massively overdriven groove metal riff swings its dick at you and some cool dude starts shout-rap-singing the following lyrics:

"You talk your shit but I ain't listenin' / And I don't do no ass-kissin' / Now here's the point that you've been missin' / No fuckin' problem at all"

And all of a sudden you are absolutely losing your shit, throwing yourself into walls, moshing with your pillows, and you need more Suicidal. So you track down the CD with this song on it, see that tracks 2-6 are called "Don't Give a Fuck", "No Fuck'n Problem", "Suicyco Muthafucka", "Fucked Up Just Right", and "No Bullshit", and you start levitating. You plop down the money, fire up the Discman, and following a terrible, cringe-inducing intro track that your dumb-ass thinks is hilarious, the album proper kicks off with:

"I don't give a shit / I don't give a fuck / Your opinion don't mean shit to me and your shit's about to fall"

Nothing could be better. You play it for all your dumb suburban adolescent friends and everyone agrees that it's the absolute shit, and all is well. Then one fine Friday at the youth fitness center, your fitness instructor hears you talking to your friend about this album, tells you how dumb you are, and lends you his copy of the self-titled, an absolute peerless 10/10 classic. Of course, it completely knocks your socks off. Plus you just so happen to be in the middle of deciding to be punk now so it works for your new personal brand. Pretty soon you're renouncing your love for Suicidal for Life, White Zombie, Metallica, Guns 'n' Roses, soccer and all the rest, and committing yourself to a life of NOFX, Crass, Op Ivy, and Dead Kennedys.

Somewhere, Adam Sandler sheds a single tear.

Then like 30 years later you randomly decide to put it on while you're doing pushups and you're like, "hey, if you ignore how terrible it is, it's actually pretty good!" You finish your pushups, sit on the couch listening to "Benediction" trail off for the first time since you shared bedroom walls with your sister and your parents, and you realize that finally, after all these years, you truly don't give a fuck again. And all is well.

Track listing:

1. Invocation

2. Don't Give a Fuck

3. No Fuck'n Problem

4. Suicyco Muthafucka

5. Fucked Up Just Right

6. No Bullshit

7. What Else Could I Do?

8. What You Need's a Friend

9. I Wouldn't Mind

10. Depression and Anguish

11. Evil

12. Love vs. Loneliness

13. Benediction

You ain't alive if you ain't livin'

You waste your life whinin' and snivelin'

So buckle up 'cause now I'm drivin'

No fuckin' problem at all

More dubious adolescent favorites:

Psychotica - Psychotica (1996)

Skrew - Shadow of Doubt (1996)